By: Catherine Townsend-Lyon
Depression: Thoughts Dominate Some Days
I spent the morning wondering the same thoughts that continue to plague me on bad days.
- Where does stigma come from and why?
- Why is it that family doesn’t understand?
- Will I ever feel normal again?
- Besides, what is normal anyway?
- Why do I feel so alone?
Today is one of those days. A day where I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel empty. Today, even my Meds don’t seem to do their job. I woke up feeling off. Can’t seem to put my finger on it, just feel sad. Depression so thick, you can cut it with a knife. Is it that I’m having one of those “mourning” days? I’m not sure. All I know is I feel strange, just not right, and that makes it hard to put into words.
Remembering the Sadness and Trauma
I was thinking about my father a lot the last few days. I wonder if he ever thinks about me? I wonder how a father can turn away from a daughter and not feel any remorse or anything for that fact. Does he have a heart? My family has told me so many times that “I’m different from them”, and refer to me as the “black sheep.”
Is it because of my mental illness? Is it because I’m in recovery? It’s hard sometimes to stop the spinning thoughts in my head, the ones that get my moods all in disarray.
These are the type of days that are hard to get out of bed. I feel fatigued, tired, even after sleeping all night. Like pressure pushing down on my shoulders refusing me a piece of joy to slip through. Nothing seems to help. Meditation, prayer, even a shower, nothing.
Just this feeling of impending gloom. Like dark clouds and rain that never stops. I just want to hide from everyone. Like life going on without me even participating. Just passing by this window called life. Depression is a demon that never seems to go away at times.
Is it still the childhood I never had? The one that was happy and bright before being abused and diagnosed?
Today, I’m Sad for my Inner Child
Even after years of therapy for the trauma and depression, I still mourn for that hurt little girl who has never been the same. No, no longer a victim, just sometimes it still hits me and adds to “down days.” As an adult, hiding all the pain behind fake smiles and laughter. I was always the fun, upbeat, bubbly one. Caring for others and to others, I seemed to be enjoying life. Sometimes I think, not anymore. Not anymore.
Today I feel off. I want to isolate. Feeling afraid of showing how I think or feel as my mind is cloudy. At times, the unstoppable tears-for what? I don’t know.
In the back of my mind, the fear monster lies in wait. I know he is there, I can feel him slowly invading the light in my soul. But WHY? I don’t know why. I just want these few days to be over. I want tomorrow to come and chase this all away. I don’t like feeling like this.
- Am I in a depressive cycle?
- Will this hopefully go away?
- Why me? When will this ever go away for good?
- I just want to feel and be normal like everyone else.
Yesterday, I felt like my life was in mourning… but today I am writing because, as Marilyn says, ” Writing, and recovery heals the heart.”
Bio: Catherine Townsend-Lyon
Catherine is a former columnist for In Recovery Magazine’s “The Author’s Cafe,” a recovery and ghostwriter. She runs “Cat Lyon’s Reading & Writing Den” helping authors market their books throughout social media.
Catherine advocates and has shared her story on Addictionland.com, Facing Addiction.org and Heroes in Recovery.com. Catherine was invited to be in media articles by The University of Columbia, Nautil.us, and Time.com.
She seeks platforms to raise awareness, inform, and educated others about gambling addiction and recovery. She resides in Arizona and So. Oregon. Catherine’s Social Media: Facebook – Twitter – LinkedIn.
She is the author of “Addicted to Dimes, Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat” published by The Kodel Empire Group and available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, BAM, Walmart books online, and InReocvery.com bookstand.