By: Marilyn L. Davis
We’re Not Using so Why Don’t They Trust Us?
There’s no kind way to put it. In active addiction, we are dishonest, manipulative, disloyal, and self-centered. We may not have started out this way, but our addiction reinforces these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. Recovery from those self-defeating behaviors is going to take time, energy, and effort to correct. We learned those ways of coping with our addiction, and over time, we got very good at them. They became the norm for how we acted, thought, and felt.
Many people realize in their early recovery that they are still thinking and acting as they did in their use; viewing interactions with people from the standpoint of “What’s in this for me?” They find that they either embellish truths by making their recovery progress seem more than it really is, or they minimize parts of their recovery, like their feelings. These are the continued dishonest reactions in early recovery.
Some People Trust Me; Why Not Others?
There will be some family and friends that let bygones be bygones and will extend trust and show forgiveness as soon as their family member quits using. If that happened for you, enjoy these relationships, knowing that other family and friends are not inclined to be vulnerable so quickly.
The pain our addiction caused them is too much to forget so quickly.
What Can I Do To Regain Their Trust?
Family and friends are probably relieved when someone is no longer using drugs and alcohol, but they are still wary because the actions have not changed enough to instill trust.
One of the reasons that family and friends continue being distrustful of people in early recovery is that the actions, attitudes, and behaviors have not changed. Simply because someone quits using drugs and alcohol does not mean that they are going to admit to their past wrongs, change character defects overnight, and make amends to those they have harmed.
Trusting Again and Recovery Are Processes
Recovery is a process and earning or deserving trust comes slowly for most people in recovery. Unfortunately, many people get self-righteous early in their recovery thinking that family or friends should only judge them by their abstinence, not their actions.
For all of us, we have to truthfully admit that we harmed people in our use. This is difficult in early recovery when a part of us simply wants recognition and trust now that we are not using. However, feeling sorry for ourselves because they do not trust us at 30 days will only set up more resentments on both sides.
Check Your Motives
However, if you are honest, you will realize that your use fueled and worsened the underlying self-defeating behaviors.
Looking at these self-defeating behaviors and the harm they have caused takes courage; it is evaluating you, the shortcomings, the character defects, and taking stock. When you label these negative traits, you make the effort to correct them.
Just like anything new that you attempt, you are not going to make changes seamlessly and gracefully. You will fall back into the old behavior and have to correct that action. One way to prevent this type of reverting to old behaviors is to become more aware of your motive for your actions.
Before you follow through with an action, see if you have a self-serving or a self-centered reason for the action. Clearly, any motive that is self-centered and self-serving can ultimately harm others as they were not even part of your decision-making process.
Then ask yourself, how likely is it that my action will harm someone else?
If you can reasonably decide that there would be no harm to others, go ahead with the action. If you are in doubt, reconsider. Learning to expect reactions without predicting outcomes takes time.
Will This Action Create a Trusting Reaction?
For instance, your family trusts you enough to let you use their car to drive to a recovery supportive meeting. You understood the terms and directions; go to the meeting and then return the car.
When you get to the meeting, there’s someone who needs a ride home. You start rationalizing and justifying your decision to violate the terms: it is only 10 minutes out of your way; it would be helpful to this other person if you gave them a ride, and your family will understand if you are late returning the car.
However, if you look at motive, you may discover that you wanted to look important to someone, that you were in control of your life, you could give someone a ride; you wanted them to have a particular image of you; not the adult who had to borrow a car, but someone who was nice and helpful.
You disrespected your family’s directions, yet again, and frankly, a simple “I’m sorry” probably won’t get you anywhere. After all, how many times did you say that in your addiction? Work towards becoming accountable, reliable, and dependable. When you commit to something, honor it.
Have the courage to tell the person at the meeting that you would like to help them, but you promised to return the car after the meeting. Or take five minutes, call your family, and ask permission to make a side trip. Then you need to be willing to accept their decision; after all, it is their car.
Evaluate Your Expectations
Regaining trust will take time. The average family has suffered emotionally and often times, financially, from your use. They need to see that the changes in you are not just to appease them, but are genuinely ongoing so that they can feel some measure of security in their interactions with you.
When you believe that they should immediately forgive you, simply because you have stopped using, also sets you up.
They do not have to forgive you. Forgiveness is a gift, not an expectation.
You know yourself, that there are people who have harmed you that you are not ready to forgive and the same allowances need to extend to your family and friends as it relates to you. That is a hard lesson in recovery and the trusting process, but it can make earning their trust more realistic. Trusting others is about vulnerability; it exposes people to be hurt, betrayed and harmed again.
Trust Comes When You Use Admirable Qualities
Accepting this can help you stop trying to find the one action that will gain someone’s trust. If you have asked them how you can correct and repair the relationship and have fulfilled those requirements, you have to accept that it’s not in your power to alter this relationship any more than you have done.
There are also new people in your life that do not have a history of dishonesty and harm from you. They see the admirable qualities. They base their trust on your recovery actions; showing up at meetings, sharing your experiences, and offering hope to them. Enjoy those moments and work towards correcting the relationships with family and friends you did harm in your addiction.
Writing, and recovery heals the heart
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