By: Marilyn L. Davis
Two Mindsets Create Ambivalence
“In these times, I don’t, in a manner of speaking, know what I want; perhaps I don’t want what I know, and want what I don’t know.” ― Marsilio Ficino, The Letters of Marsilio Ficino, Vol. 3
Ambivalence or two minds happens when a person has both positive and negative feelings about someone or something and is struggling to decide which option has more merit.
You’ll know you are ambivalent if you think conflicting thoughts about something or hear yourself talking about a subject and then qualify it with a “but…”, “however…”, or “on the other hand, I think or feel…”.
Ambivalence: Not Just the Rock or the Hard Place
Indecision is a form of ambivalence and happens even when we are making pleasant choices.
- Which new car will I buy?
- Should I eat at the new restaurant or my old standby?
- Do I wear red or blue shoes?
- Binge-watch Netflix or go to the movies?
We use expressions like “cold feet” and “sitting on the fence” to describe the feeling of ambivalence.
Pros and Cons for Both Sides
One day, Alice came to a fork in the road.’ Which road do I take?’ she asked. ‘Where do you want to go?’ responded the Cheshire Cat.’ I don’t know,’ Alice answered.’ Then,’ said the Cat, ‘it doesn’t matter.”
There are times that the choices that you have available are both acceptable, or both objectionable, although for different reasons. If you look at the alternatives as the rock and the hard place, or being pushed in one direction, and pulled in another, choose the least objectionable and remind yourself it could have been worse.
These are simply examples of types of situations that people will vacillate or stay indecisive and the thinking that reflects this hesitation:
- “What if an electric car is still too costly to run.” (Fear of making the wrong decision)
- “What if my mother disapproves of him.” (Fear of ridicule from important people in their life)
- “What if I don’t like the new haircut?” (Fear of disappointment in their decision)
- “I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.” (Finding fault with the poles of their choices)
- “His actions repel me, but I love him.” (Intensely liking and disliking someone or something)
- “I love being the boss, but I think my children suffer from my absences.” (Conflicting emotional states about the issue:
- “I know I do not like my job; however, I know what to do, and I would be starting over with a new job.” (Fear of committing to one course of action over another)
- “I know I need to adhere to my diet; however, that cheesecake looks so good now; maybe just a small piece will not sabotage my diet.” (Wanting to have it both ways)
Ambivalence: Frustrating for All
Anyone who has remained undecided about life changes knows how frustrating this is, not just for themselves, but for family and friends who continue to listen to them discuss, analyze, ponder, and manufacture arguments for and against a decision.
Ambivalence can keep an individual stuck for years and then compound the conflicting feelings with the guilt associated when you don't decide one way or the other. Click To Tweet
Some people do not want to ask for advice from others; they want a sounding board to complain. Only you know which is valid for you.
If it is about not having enough information, then removing unrealistic expectations of yourself that you “ought to be able to figure this out” means that you can humbly ask for a trusted friend’s opinion and then work towards your decision.
Evaluate Your Ambivalence: Weighted Pros and Cons
People often stay stuck because they do not know how to test both sides of their ambivalence or decisions. Even if they have some ideas, they don’t write the information down to assess, nor do they plan to make it happen and then stick to the plan.
A Pros and Cons will work to buy a truck, get into and staying in recovery, work full-time or part-time, leave a spouse, or change jobs. As with any Pros and Cons, there are positive and negative factors. Sometimes doing a weighted Pros and Cons, where you include your feelings about both sides of the issue, can help you decide which side of the fence you’re on; otherwise, sitting on the fence just gets you splinters.
What can happen is that you see precisely which factors and feelings have the most appeal for you. Do not judge any of your Pros or Cons values; they are yours and have merit and worth to you. Use a scale of +1 to +5 to record your feelings about the issue.
As you can see, the pros for recovery outweigh the cons. Unlike many decisions, by using a scale that includes your feelings, you will know that your head and heart contributed to your choice.
Writing and recovery heal the heart