By: Tricia Moceo
“Even though we knew she was going to die eventually, when it happened it was still a terrible, rude shock. I thought I was prepared, but when it happened I fell apart…”
Who is a Mom?
Every little girl dreams of getting older and relishing in spa days and shopping sprees with their mom. I was no exception, but my storyline played out a little differently. My father left my biological mother when I was two years old. He shipped me off to South Florida with my grandparents to spare me the heartache of the divorce and to shelter me from the reality of my biological mother’s relentless drug addiction.
A couple of years later, he met Sandie. Sandie quickly fell in love with not only my father but me as well. She adopted me and became not only my mom but my best friend. Never once, have I challenged her love for me. I was left with unanswered questions of my biological mother and why I was never good enough for her, and it fueled my insecurities for as long as I can remember.
Now, I’m the Mom
I’d find myself isolating and changing shades like a chameleon, adapting to every new group of “friends” I’d encounter. Life continued to unfold, and at 20 years old, I found myself as a single mom to the most beautiful baby boy. I felt like my life’s purpose had finally been fulfilled. Things finally came around full circle. Never could I have fathomed unconditional love like the love a mother has for her child.
January 10,2013 would prove to be the worst day of my life. Before venturing to church in the city, I entertained small talk in the kitchen with my mom. Hassling her about quitting smoking, and thanking her for being the best mom ever. I left for church. During the service, I received a text that read “Is everything okay? I saw the ambulance at your house.”
My Mom and Role-Model is Gone
Thoughts of every worst-case scenario situation ran through my mind. I finally got my brother to answer the phone, and I vividly remember him crying “Something is wrong with mom Trish, she was on the ground and couldn’t talk to me. Dad is in the ambulance with her, you have to get here and get to the hospital.”
My worst nightmare became a reality, Mom had a massive heart attack.
Without taking a second to process the information, I called up a local drug dealer to meet me at the hospital with my analgesic of choice. After all, how could I possibly be sober and emotionally available for my father, brother, and son?
Mom passed away two days later, life as I knew it had been completely dismantled.
How Can I Cope without my Mom
I felt as though I was stripped of every ounce of oxygen in my body, and the only relief: Opiates. I didn’t spend an hour without some form of mood/mind altering substance in my body as I dove headfirst into running my parents’ restaurant.
Without skipping a beat, I was working full-time, raising my son alone, and compensating for all the responsibilities my mom once held. As the pain of her absence grew, so did my unrelenting addiction. Plagued by the stigmas of addiction, I thrived off of my denial and lived a double life. I maintained the picture perfect life on the outside, but emotionally, I was dead. Grief swept in like a tidal wave, and I was drowning. I remember waking up to indulge in my vices before I’d even kiss my son good morning.
This spiraled out of control, until one day I was brought to my knees.
Eventually, I found myself in handcuffs on the side of the road, in the small rural town I grew up in. Unaffected, I spent 3 days and 2 nights confined to a place I didn’t belong. Upon getting released, I had to face reality; everyone knew my secret. Everyone knew I wasn’t handling things so well, I wasn’t handling anything at all. I was numb.
I Have to Leave to Become a Mom Again
The superwoman act was a fluke. I hopped on a plane, desperately seeking relief. To this day, the hardest moment in my recovery was kissing my son goodbye, the morning I left. With no real timeline for when I’d see him again, this is a painful memory that continues to ignite the flame of perseverance into maintaining my sobriety.
I was crippled with fear and self-doubt, but one day that all changed. I didn’t have the “white light” experience, my spiritual awakening was one of the more educational varieties, which I blame on my stubborn, Italian genes. Through hard work and pain, I managed to incorporate real recovery into my life. Finally, I could finally again.
About a year into my sobriety, I was blessed with a beautiful little girl. A whirlwind of emotions flooded my thoughts. How could I possibly raise a little girl without my Mom here to help lead the way?
I couldn’t have been more misled. I found myself walking into two years of sobriety, a single mother… again. But this time, I called the shots. After spending two years in an unhealthy, abusive relationship, I got out.
Loving Others as my Mom Loved Me
Every experience that led up to my recovery and the structure of my family played a part in shaping me into the woman I am today. I became this courageous, unstoppable force. I could pause before responding, impulsivity no longer controlled my actions.
Meditation and spirituality became my stress relievers. Helping another alcoholic through sharing hope, from my miserable experiences, became my relief. From the motherless, hopeless drug addict to the graceful woman of integrity I am today, there is no doubt that “everything happens as it should.”
Bio: Tricia Moceo
Tricia is a single mom with two years sober. she works for Recovery Local, a digital marketing company that advocates spreading awareness of the disease of addiction.
Recovery Local was founded by and staffed with recovering addicts cultivating recovery resources through sharing our own experience, strength, and hope.
Tricia’s other post on From Addict 2 Advocate: Recovery – Now and Then