By: Marilyn L. Davis
“You want to know the truth about drugs? You can only go one or two ways- go up, or you can go down. That’s it. After a certain point, though, no matter what you do, what you take, you don’t go anywhere, and that’s when you’ve got to sit down and face yourself.” ―RuPaul, Lettin it All Hang Out: An Autobiography
Our Brains and Bodies Learned to Function
Most of us were not entirely successful in our first attempts at use; we got drunk and threw up, snorted cocaine and turned into a whirling dervish going nowhere, or missed a vein. We could contemplate our navel for hours, or sit in a stupor and not be embarrassed.
The list goes on. Our brains and body were responding poorly to a new substance, and it took us time to adapt when we started using.
However, we did not experience embarrassment over not knowing how to use successfully, nor did we give in from frustration; no, in fact, most of us dove right in trying things repeatedly, and in the process, we altered our brains.
We Thought We Functioned Just Fine
With this commitment to our use, our systems – physical, emotional, and mental, learned to function. Some of us even believed that we performed better on drugs and alcohol as we adjusted to the effects.
We worked; we were Dean’s List Students, we drove our children and others to summer camp and football practice. Some of us even performed surgeries on others; we carried out our obligations and looked liked we had it together. On the outside, some of us functioned well.
Going to treatment shocked some of our family and friends; we seemed to fool them with our functioning. But what exactly is functioning?
Merely Functioning is Not Our Best
Functioning is performing adequately. Think about the functionality of everyday items:
- Hats: they keep our ears warm, hair in place, dry, or concealed on bad days
- Computers: they store data, check our spelling, provide entertainment
- Watches: tell time, and eventually get replaced by a phone
Each of those has limited functions, and if we’re honest, we had limited function in our use as well.
However, if we were honest about our lives in addiction, we were not functioning well at all. Think about all the money we squandered; the time wasted, and the emotions we were unwilling to experience.
I’ll Do More to Function Better?
Most of us had to use more just to keep up the fronts and masks to make others see us as functioning. But we will create the illusion that when we get into recovery, everything is going to work smoothly, and we’ll function normally.
Unfortunately, our impaired brain is still with us even when we give up drugs and alcohol. For some of us, we seemed to be worse off in our early recovery than we were in our use.
I Gave Up Drugs, Why Can’t I Function?
I got into recovery and wasn’t functioning well, because I did not realize how much damage I had done to my body and brain.
For some of us, we seemed to be worse off in our early recovery than we were in our use.
In our recovery, we forget appointments; we lose track of a conversation, laugh when others are crying, or space out, and have shiny moments for no apparent reason. Our eyes betray us. We are reading one sentence, our eyes wander two lines down, and nothing makes sense.
It creates the illusion that it would be better to function on drugs and alcohol than appear stupid sober. We forget that it will take some time for our brains, bodies, and emotions to heal.
Healing Takes Time and Patience
Too many give in or give up at this point and relapse. They forget the resolve that they used to develop tolerance, their steadfast approach to using.
They succumb to the choice of functioning on drugs because they refuse to seem inadequate in early recovery. Rather than think about this in binary; on/off terns, it is essential to realize that the brain, our bodies, and out emotions will take some time to readjust and heal in this new non-using state.
Rather than think about this in binary; on/off terms, it is essential to realize that the brain, our bodies, and our emotions will take some time to readjust and heal in this new non-using state.
Be Encouraging While You Heal
In early recovery, our brain needs to recover its ability to think without chemicals.
If we apply the same resolve to healing that we did to use, not being embarrassed about the shiny moments, asking others how they dealt with forgetting and talking about our feelings, we do begin to heal.
We strengthen our resolve to stay in recovery when we show patience with others and ourselves during this time. We are learning about something new – living without drugs and alcohol, and just like any new subject, or when we were learning to use, it will take time.
Ironically, we were so often proud of how well we functioned on drugs and alcohol, yet cannot muster this same attitude in early recovery.
By accepting that our brains, bodies, and emotions are healing, we can gently move from functioning to living – that is the true healing of recovery.
Writing, and recovery heals the heart.