By: Marilyn L. Davis
Are You Trapped in the Cycle of Blaming?
“An important decision I made was to resist playing the Blame Game. The day I realized that I am in charge of how I will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, that was the day I knew I would be a happier and healthier person. And that was the day I knew I could truly build a life that matters.”― Steve Goodier
Most of us want to take credit for our accomplishments. We swell with pride and feel positive about ourselves. Hearing compliments about ourselves boosts our self-confidence, so we naturally like to receive praise for how well we’re doing in our life, job, relationships, and recovery.
Unfortunately, we often don't react the same way when we aren't successful or get criticized. Sometimes, we're looking around for someone or something to blame, and not taking responsibility for our choices or actions. Click To Tweet
I know it’s hard to accept responsibility for our life choices. I spent years blaming my parents, bosses, husbands, lovers, and even my children, for whatever was wrong. And when we’re not blaming, we’re trying to get everyone to focus only on our positive aspects.
Please Focus on My Accomplishments
In 1988, the small college where I was a House Director and student staged an intervention on me. I had deflected concerns and criticism about my drinking and medication use for months. I’d point out all of my accomplishments:
- Dean’s List student
- Managed three dorms
- Supervised 8 Resident Assistants
- Well-liked by students
- Co-developer of the Resident Life program
I also brought them letters from five doctors stating that I needed the prescribed medications. I know some of you are wondering how anyone could miss the fact that I was “doctor-shopping.”
The reality is that in 1988, no one was familiar with that term, nor the implications of going to five doctors for anxiety and pain. In that academic environment, grades, and the doctor’s credentials protected me for a few months.
The college focused on my accomplishments and the doctor’s reputation in the community. When they voted on whether to sanction me or not, only one person had concerns, so I escaped my natural consequences for a while.
Reality Check On My Importance
When you looked beneath my accomplishments, I was in active addiction. These irresponsible behaviors put students at risk when I was too messed up to secure their building. Most days, I was too hungover or impaired to make staff meetings, committing crimes that would land me in jail today, or simply not giving a damn.
Years later, my professor told me that I that I wasn’t fooling anyone when I put Bailey’s Irish Crème in my coffee cup for classes and work because I was too shaky without alcohol.
Blaming others for my continued use was how I deflected criticism. Using my responsibilities, class load, and pressures were easy excuses. People just quit confronting me, because it was easier to give in to me than argue with me. Click To Tweet
Nowhere to Hide and No One to Blame
Meeting with the president of the college and my supervising Dean weren’t unusual, and I didn’t think anything about a request to be in the office at 2 PM.
I’d been in his office for other appointments, but walking in and finding five other Deans, all with three by five cards in their hands wasn’t the norm. The president started by telling me that they were all concerned about me and cared for me.
As a psychology major, I’d participated in mock interventions in class, so I knew what they were going to do. I have to confess that I wouldn’t make a good candidate for any TV shows on interventions. I caved and started crying before he could finish; interrupted him, and asked, “What do you need me to do?”
For the first time, I didn’t blame others or shift focus to my better qualities.
Who’s In Charge? Who’s Responsible?
When we finally acknowledge that we’ve created the problems, it gives us control over how to make changes and lead a different life. Most of the addicts and alcoholics I’ve met liked power and control. However, a lot of addicts don’t want to do the work required to make things better.
Then, when they’re in control, but choose to do things that don’t move them forward in their life and recovery, they’re looking around for someone to blame.
Vulnerability Gets us Back in Control
That day, feeling more vulnerable and exposed than ever before, I realized that all of those people who I’d blamed for my life’s problems, weren’t even in my life anymore. That included my children, as I’d given them back to their father two years earlier.
Standing there alone and without my usual self-preserving excuses, it was a rude awakening. With no one to blame, it meant that I was responsible for this situation, no one else.
Taking Responsibility and Not Blaming
However, the upside was that I could take advantage of the choices given to me and start making changes. My options were, go into treatment or lose my job. I chose treatment.
While I would like to tell you that recovery is easy; I can’t.
What I can guarantee is that recovery is hard work; changing all of our self-destructive patterns of use and behaviors takes effort. But when we are the ones making positive changes in our lives, we are in charge, in control, and the ones who can take credit for something positive for a change.
But, there’s not one single approach or secret plan that will guarantee your success in recovery. The reality is that how I’ve stayed in abstinence-based recovery for 32 years might not work for you. However, that doesn’t make my meetings, support network, or methods wrong, either; it merely means that today there are multiple choices, whether it’s 12-Step, Secular, or Faith-based.
We Work for Our Recovery
Whatever meetings you attend, they all start with the simple premise of “if you don’t use drugs and alcohol, and make changes, your life can improve.” After that, it’s as simple and hard as:
- Assuming responsibility for life choices
- Changing negative aspects into admirable qualities
- Discontinuing the blame
- Finding a group of people who share common beliefs and support recovery
- Asking questions for guidance
When we no longer make others responsible for our life choices, we often feel vulnerable. Even feeling vulnerable, we can look around for others who’ve made changes in their lives.
We listen to their stories, follow their directions, and sometimes, an interesting thing happens. People are talking about our responsible choices, accomplishments, and encourage us to keep doing what we’re doing.
Writing, and recovery heals the heart
Marilyn L. Davis is the Editor-in-Chief at From Addict 2 Advocate and Two Drops of Ink. She is also the author of Finding North: A Journey from Addict to Advocate and Memories into Memoir: The Mindsets and Mechanics Workbook, available at Amazon, Books A Million, Indie Books, and Barnes and Noble.
What did you have to change in your recovery? How did you make these changes? People are struggling in their recovery just as much as you did.
If you found answers, share them. Consider a guest post today.